I've been a bit down lately. I think this coincides with a slow social spell, shall we say, in terms of not doing a lot out of work hours, that doesn't involve being on my own. I am so much better these days at enjoying and appreciating my own company; one of the big positives about buying my house back in June was that I get more of this now and less uncomfortable-ness or stress sharing with other people. But it doesn't alter the fact that it becomes increasingly distressing when I see most of my friends and those closest to me, whether by choice or design, in seemingly happy relationships, with their future all set out in front of them. I have, rightly or wrongly, resigned myself to the fact that I am one of the few people seemingly not destined to find my 'special someone' who I ultimately settle down with. I don't believe there is someone for everyone, I believe there is someone for everyone else.
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| Battered fish... what do you mean 'the pics are getting less relevant?' |
So, without a partner to share my life with and without any family locally apart from my parents (and with no brothers, sisters or cool aunties), I am, and always have been, reliant on my friends to provide me with a social life and interaction. For you see, whilst being on my own is something I'm these days better at tolerating, and even enjoying, I still need interaction, especially in the dark evenings, to keep my mind from wandering to anxious thoughts. And, without using the word carelessly, to stop thinking depressing thoughts about my future - being alone. Plus the fact I do enjoy times with my friends!
Having had anxiety throughout the majority of school and University life, my confidence in many social situations has been battered. It's also meant that making friends back in those days wasn't easy. So I only have a few friends I can call upon. Yes, they are truly fantastic people, a core of true, 'real' friends whom I wouldn't change for the world. And, although quality not quantity generally stands, in this case it would be nice just to have a few more friends in the local area that I can call upon to fulfil my social palate. It can be a challenge just to get someone out for a drink on a Saturday evening, particularly these days when all of these people are too busy enjoying their seemingly richer, fuller lives.
What all of this means is that I have learnt to value 'other' things in life. I may have only done this in the past couple of years, when I should have done it a lot sooner, and not have been ashamed of doing it, but still - better late than never. By 'other' things, I mean those things that don't include relationships, something that I don't have, and social occurrences, something which happen infrequently for me. I have blogged about these things a few times before, and how I must value them more and more. The problem is, quite literally all of these things - and more - are being battered in some form or another.
1) Buses. I've been moaning for a while now that the council and the bus company - kind of a combined effort - that provided a bus to my parents' village has, as of 5 Sept this year, been cut. This has caused now nearly three months of distress to many vulnerable people and no-one, to put it simply, has given a shit. From a selfish point of view, I have mentioned before how I actually enjoyed catching this bus, because I knew so many of the people and the bus drivers who used to drive the route. It was like a warm, friendly community which I enjoyed being a part of whenever I stayed at my parents place. This has, quite literally, been ripped apart by this rash and poorly considered decision.
2) Swimming. One of the best decisions I have made in the last five or so years was to take up swimming, for both the exercise (physical and mental I hasten to add) and because I have met some really great people here. We're going for our third consecutive Christmas meal in a month's time which says it all (notwithstanding a Christmas 'meal' isn't something I could have done anyway much longer ago than that - see previous blogs!) However, swimming is fast become a farce. It is getting busier and busier and is filled with a huge number of inconsiderate people who swim wherever they bloody well like and sod the rest. I have to slalom my six feet four frame through this splurdge of disrespectful folk - at best. Sometimes it's impossible to pass at all. To the point where, to swim properly and without getting angry at how so many people can have so little compassion, I am considering going to swim somewhere nearer to my workplace just to get away from it. But in doing so, I leave behind my friends. It's really disappointing that it has got to this.
3) University. Although I finished University 7.5 years ago, I still go back to the campus quite often to help out with, for example, providing talks to students on my career since Uni and judging graduate dissertation presentations. Through whoever I've been working for, I also host a student placement each year from the department. As such, I get on very well with the lecturers and have a very good laugh with a few of them, one in particular who was my dissertation tutor in final year. Guess what. The department's staff is being cut by 20% - he might be one who leaves - and there is even the threat it's closed completely.
4) Work. Sadly, the Government don't care remotely about environmental sustainability. As such, my job is currently under moderate threat. Not only is one of my biggest passions in life, protecting the environment, at risk of being neglected, but I may not have a job fairly soon unless I change tack completely. Apart from the obvious stress (anxiety?) unemployment would bring, it would also mean removing myself from my work colleagues, who are all brilliant people. I have become part of real team over the past couple of years in this new (ish) job and this is very important to me given my circumstances. Yes, of course there is always a chance I will get this again in a new job, but being realistic, it would be hard to replicate.
5) Walking. This is more long term, but given various issues, walking in the incredibly beautiful surrounding areas of where I live may become a rarer and less enjoyable thing if various things conspire against our environment - because as I mention above, people don't care about it. See this blog for my fairly recent rant about this.
My real worry is that, if all of the above experiences either decline or disappear, coupled with my lack of a relationship and friends who ultimately, eventually, will probably move away and become less available to socialise, I am going to be left scrabbling for very rare glimpses of enjoyment. What really makes me sad is that, when I was surrounded by plentiful opportunities for socialising, especially at University, I couldn't take advantage of them because of crippling anxiety. Moreover, this probably prevented me from sparking up that relationship with that 'special someone' and puts me in the position I find myself in now. Now I'm in a place where I could enjoy more social activity, sustain a relationship and appreciate the above list more, the ultimate irony is that everything that does exist is crumbling to the ground around me and things that don't are looking less likely than ever to start up.
Sometimes it really is hard not to blame anxiety for how life pans out. This is one of those times.
Best wishes
Al
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